Gravity

I see the night sky illuminated with rain that rises,
The gravity that held me down now lifts me up.
I see the day sky swollen with the nights emotion,
The gravity that held us down now lifts us up.

– Cheryl

Off to Calgary

So I didn’t even do a post about getting into grad school. So this is my official blog post months later.

I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL. I’m headed to the University of Calgary in the fall. I’m hoping to do my thesis on Accessible Urban Design in the MEDes program. I should probably be doing more research than I already have but as you can probably tell from my last post, I’m a little distracted by life.

I’m happy to be leaving Ontario. I really REALLY need a change. Kinda like the opening song for Cheers.

“Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn’t you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they’re always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.”

I definitely don’t feel this way in Ontario anymore. TM changed me. It was hard knowing that while everyone stayed the same, I was the one changing. I need to see and meet new faces and see new places. I’m happy to have this opportunity even if everyone thinks I’m crazy.

So to all the TM(ers) out there who are thinking to themselves, ‘No I could never do that, I’m disabled, I’m this or I’m that’, you need to change your scenery. It will be hard but what have you got to lose. I’ve got nothing to lose (expect for tuition money lol). I’m excited. Calgary get ready for the cherbear.

Mourning the loss of one’s self

I’ve wanted to do a post about this topic for a while. The experience of mourning yourself. I know it might sound weird. If an individual is still alive, how or why would they mourn themself?

From my perspective, mourning yourself is really mourning something you’ve lost. Maybe something physical, something mental, an ability. Something you had before or something you could do before that you can’t do now.

With the life experiences I’ve had prior to TM and after TM, sometimes I can get really burnt out. I’ll be emotionally and somewhat physically fine, then it’s like a bomb is dropped on me. That’s kind of how I feel today. I’m an emotional person, and I don’t try to hide that anymore. If I’m sad I’ll cry, if I’m happy then I’ll smile out loud or just to myself.  So tonight was a cry night. I definitely had some mourning to do.

What I’m mourning has nothing to do with TM at least. But it’s still rough. It’s a setback. A big one. I’m just trying to distract myself. 7 years later I still have to put up with some B.S. Sleeping it off won’t help. Dealing with it will. So if you read this and you know what I mean about mourning something you lost, knock on some wood for me.

I have Waka Waka lyrics in my head “…When you fall get up, Oh oh…, And if you fall get up
Oh oh…”

I’ve definitely fallen over. Writing this took a little bit of weight of my poor overloaded shoulders.